Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day- 2022!
Today is finally here! I feel so privileged that you have taken the time to visit my site and I hope that this blog will be a blessing to you. Especially, on this day.
What is so special about today? It is a day of truth, knowledge, awareness, incredible strength and courage, and importantly, healing journeys embarked upon.
Have you experienced any of the following? Don’t worry, you are not alone.
Gaslighting
Love bombing
Manipulation
Breadcrumbing
Smear campaign
Devaluing
Trauma Bond
Triangulation
Coercive control
Discard
Hoovering
If you have experienced any of these amongst others, first let me say, that I am sorry if you have been triggered. Note though, being triggered is a natural human response. My hope is that by coming here and reading this blog that you are ready to embark on a healing journey.
When you have lived through experiences like the ones listed above, it can lead you to a very dark and very deep place: a place where you do not recognise yourself - who you are at your core. Within this maelstrom of your life, you become a shadow of your former self. Your mind manipulated, heart hijacked, and emotions, erratic. Constantly doubting yourself, second guessing your decisions, frequently questioning your reality. Your life feels like it has become a swirling whirlpool of dark waters ever moving towards its inevitable vortex. A life drained and heading down the drain.
It would appear as though there was no light in the darkness. That would be untrue.
Darkness cannot exist in the presence of light. Light can be symbolic of different things. Hope can be represented as light, truth and knowledge can also be symbolised as light.
When the dark deeds of a toxic individual or a person presenting with narcissistic traits comes to light (as it always does) the knowledge and awareness of what happened to you, can be the catalyst of your healing journey and the reclamation of you. Not how you were before the narcissist upended your life: no, the you that you were originally created to be. In my own experience, I have seen this to be true. John Chapter 8:32, Jesus states, “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” It is the truth of their abuse, but also the truth of who you truly are; it is this that becomes the key to your liberation from the darkness, desperation and despair.
In the twelfth chapter of the Gospel of Luke in the Scriptures, it is written, ‘For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, nor hidden that will not be known. 3 Therefore whatever you have spoken in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have spoken in the ear in inner rooms will be proclaimed on the housetops.’ God, Himself, has declared that whatever happens in secret will be revealed. The Message Bible puts it even more clearly. ‘You can’t keep your true self hidden forever; before long you’ll be exposed…’ The usual modus operandi of a narcissist is to mistreat and abuse a person privately, but to the outside world, they appear to be wonderful! What the truth of God’s word says is that they will expose themselves eventually and that their lies, manipulations, coercive control, and other abuses will be exposed by the truth of knowledge. Their dark deeds will come to light!
My hope and prayer is that today, you will not sit and suffer in silence, but that you will stand up and say, “I have experienced narcissistic abuse and I want healing from the pain!” By owning what happened to you, you can own the healing moving forward. You may feel as though you do not matter, that no one will listen to you or that no one even cares. You do matter. Your voice is important. People do care. Please know that there are countless others standing with you. Others that have gone before you on this path to peace and are cheering you on.
Take that bold stand and step today!
Don’t forget to stop by the store where you can get your own copy of the Narcissist Abuse Recovery Guide! Also, sign up and be among one of the first to find out when the newest publication will drop!
Before you go, I recently came across this video of one of my favourite poems - it is by Marianne Williamson. As you listen, be encouraged and take courage.
Props to the creator of the video!
Until next time!
Love & Blessings
XX
Organisations in the UK where you can access support:
How to Narcissistic Abuse Proof Your Life - Part 2
Driving home on Friday from work, I encountered a well-known practice that you may be familiar with too.
My commute is along A roads and I have become accustomed to driving at 70 mph. Driving along as I usually do, in the right-hand lane, I noticed that the car behind me was edging closer and closer to my bumper. Steadily, I continued driving, but the driver in the ‘boy-racer’ type car, moved closer still. At this point, I indicated and moved over to the left-hand lane whilst the driver accelerated past.
Observing, as the car drove on, it did the same to other vehicle drivers and they eventually made the same decision that I made: they moved to the left-hand lane also.
What seemed like only a minute later, with my mouth hanging open, I eyed the car as it exited the A road at the next junction. Why had the driver of the car so doggedly and determinedly sought to bully, push and compel other road users to move out of their way in the right-hand lane when thy were only going to exit using the left-hand lane only a minute or so later?
The answer which came to me regarding this question was that the driver had a sense of entitlement. Entitlement: when you feel as though you are deserving of something or that something is owed to you without you putting in the necessary work or effort- is one definition. This behaviour is an observable trait in someone presenting with narcissistic traits within their personality or someone whose behaviour is toxic.
Of course, I have no way of knowing what actually caused the driver of that car on Friday to drive in such a way, I only know that it didn’t look good, feel good or was safe driving. However, what led me to think that the driver behaved in an entitled way was that I have been in similar situations before and the driver has flashed their lights to let me know that they wanted to move ahead of me. I, in the right-hand lane, have obliged and moved over, allowing the other car driver to drive ahead. As this is a common practice on British roads, this led me to question why this particular driver did not choose to move past me using that method, instead of adopting the more bullish mode of behaviour. The first part of Philipians 2:3 states, ‘Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit,...’ and the behaviour described earlier could be defined as selfish. I am sure that the other road users on that stretch of the road on Friday would agree.
Such behaviour can cause annoyance and you can be left feeling angry. (I know I was a tad peeved). However, such behaviour- although reckless- is quite benign compared with other situations that you may encounter and go through in your journey through life. In moments like these, you and I have to choose our response. We will go through scenarios in our lives in which we will have to choose to maintain our peace and equilibrium, or not.
Isaiah 26:3 declares, ‘You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.’ Applying the word of a loving God to your life is the surefire way to narcissistic abuse or toxic person proofing your life. In a previous blog post I explored how God’s love to you can help you prevent narcissists negating your life experience. Now, in this post, I want to explore further by examining when you aim to live using the Scripture to guide your thoughts, decisions and actions, it will and can help you make wise decisions that will enable you to establish and maintain clear boundaries in your life.
You will be able to maintain boundaries because they are not based on a whim or a flimsy reason, no: they are based on the solid and unshakable word of God. You see God loves and cares for each one of us and wants our best. Jeremiah 29:11, a well-known verse puts it this way, ‘For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.’ God, by His grace, treats us mercifully and wishes that we extend that mercy to ourselves and others.
If you are serious about wanting to know how to constructively deal with toxic individuals or those who are displaying narcissistic traits. then you first have to accept God’s love for you, then as the song says, ‘open the eyes of our heart’ before we are able to extend that love to our fellow human beings. Love looks like mercy, grace, peace, boundaries, respect as Jesus in the Gospel of Luke 10:27 commanded us when He walked this earth:’ ‘So he answered and said “ ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbour as yourself.’ ” As you can see, love for God comes. first, second, love for yourself, then love for others is third. Note how it takes strength to love and that strength can only be gained from God. Additionally, it will be God that will be able to give you the might and power to be able to stand in that love as love does not always look like love (how we define it) or feel all cuddly and woolly; sometimes, love is tough!
If you are fed up with your life being upended and really are intentional and interested in exploring further how you can love authentically and in so doing narcissist proof your life, look out (only on this website) for the release of my latest publication!
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xx
The Tongue
Stressful does not even begin to describe it. Another vet visit was imminent; my dog and I were not looking forward to it!
Last year, my dog was first prescribed some medication for what is looking like a long-standing skin condition. Since then I have had to ring up, email photographs of his skin so that the vet could do a diagnosis over the phone. This process was not just owing to Covid-19 precautions; it was also because my dog, my lovely, lovable rogue does not like vet visits. He gets very skittish.
After praying about the appointment for the last couple of days, we went. Just prior, I had taken some photographs of the two areas which were particularly sore just in case he would not allow the vet to examine him.
Once in the treatment room, he became agitated. However, he allowed me to hold him and the vet was able to have a good look at his skin beneath his fur. She ascertained that he would continue to need the medication and after explaining the dosage, I went again to wait in the reception area.
I must say he behaved himself very well this time considering how he could have behaved. I was pleased overall with how the visit went and when the medication was given and I paid the required amount, I drove home contented and thankful that my prayers for a good vet visit was answered.
Upon arriving home, I carried out my plan which was to give my dog a bath. He was his usual good self and after I had finished bathing him, I let him out in the garden to shake off and dry without his cone which he had been wearing to prevent him licking his sores. Big mistake!
When I let him back in to clean his paws, I noticed he was bleeding! I thought he had become injured out in the garden!
No. What had caused the bleeding, was his tongue. Not having his cone on meant that he had access to where the sore was - his tail- and had licked and licked until it was bleeding. He looked up at me with sad sorrowful eyes as I said to him, “look at what your tongue has done.” Of course his cone went promptly back on!
As I said the words, a thought came to me. The thought is this: if we are not careful, we can wound and hurt ourselves and others with our tongues. The Scriptures explores this concept and there are many passages about this very topic. Here are a few.
I said, “I will guard my ways, Lest I sin with my tongue; I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle, While the wicked are before me.” Ps 39:1 (NKJV)
Whoever guards his mouth and tongue Keeps his soul from troubles. Pro 21:23 (NKJV)
A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it! …This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. James 3: 3-10 (MSG)
For “He who would love life And see good days, Let him refrain his tongue from evil, And his lips from speaking deceit. 1 Pet 3:10 (NKJV)
Just as my dog is feeling very sorry for himself today due to his tongue and the effects that his tongue has created, so it is with us. We can and will feel extremely sorry for ourselves when the repercussions of our words are seen and felt. Why not take the advice and guidance from the Word and be mindful about our words? Who knows what damage you could prevent if only you would stop and think before uttering words.
Before you speak, why not T H I N K.
Is it…?
True
Helpful
Inspiring
Necessary
Kind
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xx
How to Narcissistic Abuse Proof Your Life - Part 1
Wow! This month has come and almost gone! I don’t know about you, but it has been a busy time for me. However, I had to make time to write about this very important topic.
So, how can you narcissistic abuse proof your life?
I am not going to go through a multi-step approach, I am not going to give away a solution and claim that it is a closely-guarded secret, I am not going to bamboozle and baffle you with terminology, jargon or semantics.
What I will do is outline a simple, tried and tested, proven way of doing life and while doing it, you will be able to establish and maintain strong boundaries which will keep narcissists and other toxic individuals from using your life as though it is their playground.
What is the simple way of doing life, I hear you ask?
The answer is love. No, not the way you have always thought about love, but a love that is almost incomprehensible by the finite human mind. Love that is all-encompassing, unconditional, gentle, gracious, humble, insightful, understanding, protective, pro-active, patient, kind. Wouldn’t you love to experience a love like that? Well, you can. The love that I have just described is God’s love. Yes, the love of God has these attributes woven within it and so much more!
You see, when you dare to believe in a God who is loving, kind, generous, gracious, patient, humble and the list could go on for eternity, (and it will) you will be able to bask in the light of God’s love. His love is transformative. God has a way of taking broken hearts and souls - broken and twisted by abuse, hate, indifference, envy, anger, jealousy, arrogance, pride, fear - and clean, suture, bandage them with His Word such as Jeremiah 31: 3 ‘The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.’ Also, the ubiquitous, John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.’ When you choose to believe and become part of the ‘whosoever’ then you will begin to experience a love that could let Jesus willingly give His life for you and for me. It has often been said that it was not the nails that kept Christ hung on the cross that Preparation Day, but love. It was love for humankind that kept him on the cross.
First, accepting that love and then experiencing it freely, can liberate you from previous negative thought patterns, unwise choices, harmful behaviour patterns also. A strange thing begins to happen: when you internalise God’s, love you begin to see yourself as He sees you; a person of inestimable value. Just because you are you. When you value yourself, you begin to love and be kind to yourself. The effect is that you are in a better position to authentically love others. God’s love is reciprocal. He wants us to love him, because He has first loved us, then show that love to those around us. However, it has to be in that order.
The Gospel of Mark 12:30-31 instructs, ‘“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”’ You can only love your neighbour as yourself when you first love God with all your heart.
By putting the above into practice will start you on your way to being able to narcissistic abuse proof your life.
In another post, I will be identifying the practical application of loving God, loving yourself, then being able to love others.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xx
The Storm
Storm Eunice hit. Storm Eunice hit the British Isles on Friday 18th February bringing record-breaking winds, sails of rain and untold damage to many places.
Whilst walking on Saturday morning in a local park, I was able to witness the aftermath as I saw many downed trees, small branches and twigs strewn and tossed without care; laid like fallen soldiers, in a myriad of vein-like patterns upon the unrelenting turf. Mother Nature had bared her teeth.
With echoes of the whirling wind around me, I walked on. As I surveyed the sights before me, one thing in particular caught my attention. It was a broken tree trunk that looked as though it were a mere tooth pick snapped in half. Eunice had rended and ripped the tree at its very core and it now lay exposed to the subsequent elements.
This made me think, why this tree? Why was this tree felled by the mighty Eunice and not others? As I drew nearer, seeking answers from the wood, I observed that the tree did not look as strong and robust as first thought; upon closer inspection, the wood seemed brittle and splintered easily.
I pondered on what the practical application could be. Studying the sharp splinters, I considered the following.
Along this journey that each of us is on called life, we will encounter storms. Storms show up in different ways: physical health conditions, illnesses of both the mind and the body. Family and financial problems; relationship issues. The list could go on. When a storm shows up, oftentimes, it will not only do foreseen damage, but unforeseen damage too.
What it most certainly will do is expose what we are made of.
What makes one person stand strong when the storms hit and others fall by even the slightest gust? How can you withstand the storms of life so that your life is not felled by them?
There are a few key ways to develop your core strength and although some form of exercise is vital, I’m not talking here about your physical core strength; I am speaking about your mental and emotional resilience. Ah yes, that buzzword again that seems to be on everyone’s lips these days! Resilience- elusive as a golden unicorn, it would appear, but is actually attainable.
How does one not only cope when the storms hit, but is actually able to ride out a storm?
In my humble opinion and experience, it is not by trusting in yourself, your resources or your intellect. It is by trusting in the Creator. The One who can keep your mind in ‘perfect peace’ when all around is chaos.
Resilience is developed by going through enough ‘storm’ experiences and seeing how God shows up time after time and carries you through. You can trust that dependability. You become assured and confident that the One who still holds this world in His hands, also holds you.
I don’t know about you, but when I consider the damage storms can do to a landscape, I really do not want that for my actual life. I don’t want myself exposed to the elements all battered, brittle and broken. Do you?
Allow your loving Creator to come into your life now and strengthen you from within, building that resilience, so that when the storms of life hit (and they will) you will not be felled by your feelings, negated by your negative mindset or annihilated by your actions.
Isaiah 26:3 promises, ‘ You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.’
Try God and you will see and know that you can trust Him.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
Be sure to check out next month’s post which will be on how you can escape from narcissists!
How Are You Letting Your Light Shine?
The sun is setting on the first month of this new year and January is coming swiftly to a close. January: traditionally, the month of new year resolutions, new beginnings, and new promises made to yourself and others. However, January is also a month where we feel as though the goal to make our lives better and brighter is as far away as next Christmas. What’s more, statistically, sadly, January is a month that suicide rates increase.
Look around, I’m sure that you can observe those around you whose smiles are plastered on a little too exaggeratedly. Those, whose smiles do not reach their eyes, but remain fixed, rigid, and unyielding stretched across their mouths. when we ask, “how are you?” do we really care to hear the real answer or are we already preparing the response of “that’s good, glad to hear it!” on our lips?
January can be a hard month: the cold long winter nights, the brief daylight hours where the days are short, but the weeks to payday are long.
However, it can also be the month where you don’t have to feel sorry for yourself because you have not met a goal, kept a resolution for longer than the first week, or feel you have let yourself down in some way. This January and for the rest of the year, why not seek to do things a little differently? Instead of trying, trying, and failing, why not aim instead to help someone else in their quest?
One of the best remedies for dealing with your own disappointments, hurts, and issues is to help someone else through their troubles.
You see, each one of us has been given gifts, talents, and abilities by our loving Creator and our responsibility is to develop said gifts. I am sure you have heard the old saying, ‘If you don’t use it, you lose it.’ Well, one way of developing your God-given gifts is by using them in service to others. I know that this thinking is not fashionable as we are constantly bombarded with the message to do for yourself, look out for number one! Yes, it is important to do for yourself, but there is nothing wrong with helping others also. It can address two key issues. When focusing on developing your own gifts, you need not compare yourself and become envious of someone else’s gifting. Also, supporting someone through a problem or negative situation can help prevent you from ruminating on and overthinking your own circumstances.
So, how can you do this? My mother has always told me, “use what’s in your hands” this means, what you can do, that is within your grasp and reach, what is already under your control, use this, develop it and use it in service to others. For example, if you love to cook and you have become quite good at it, why not use this gift to bless others by preparing a meal for a family that is struggling on your street or helping in a local soup kitchen? I’m sure that you can think of many more examples.
As this month draws to a close, think about what you can do to shine a light in dark places. What can you do to brighten someone else’s life? The Bible instructs us in the Gospel of Matthew 5: 16 ‘Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.’ Let us be a warm light to someone on a cold day and in so doing, brighten our lives with the knowledge that we are helping someone else. This can take our minds off of our own issues, problems, and circumstances.
Now, I have just one question to ask you, how will you let your light shine?
Until next time.
Love & Blessings.
xx
Despatched!
“A trip of a lifetime! My dream trip!”, she exclaimed. My youngest daughter was deciding whether to go on a trip to the ‘Big Apple’ with a friend. Weighing up the pros and cons of traveling during these fraught times of rising Covid infections; she made her decision to go.
As you can imagine, my mother’s heart was concerned, to say the least. So many what-ifs came to mind that it felt as though I was at a pitcher’s mound with a never-ending volley of balls being fast-balled to me pitched by Aroldis Chapman.
The week that my daughter made up her mind to go was the week that I read again, Psalms 91 in Scripture. I read those well-known verses as though reading them for the first time, and it was verse 11 that really stood out to me this time and truly resonated with me. ‘For He shall give His angels charge over you, To keep you in all your ways.’ I comprehended as never before, that God, himself, despatches His angels to watch over us, protect us and look after us. What a merciful and loving God!
Throughout my daughter’s trip, I read over and over the precious verses in Psalms 91 and claimed them as promises for my daughter. She returned safely to the UK with memories and experiences that she will remember for a lifetime.
I, too, have had an experience that will stay with me for the rest of my life: a lesson in trust.
Throughout the year 2021, we have experienced challenges, setbacks, and losses. We have also experienced moments of joy and opportunities which have bettered our lives. We look back on this year and can see where God has shielded us, guided us, kept us, sustained us, protected us, guarded us, helped us.
Looking back, I can be thankful that I have had good friends who I have been able to call on, share with, cry with and pray with. Shout out especially, to my second mum, Aunty B!
As we look forward to a new year - we do not know what we can expect. However, we know, if we trust and believe, that God can and will continue to despatch His angels to ‘keep us in all our ways.’
Learning to let go and let God, learning to trust, learning to lean back in His everlasting arms is what each of us can do in 2022.
My prayer for each of us is that we will experience God’s faithfulness, His grace, love, and mercy like never before as we learn to let Him guide us, lead us, and show us the path that we should tread as we go forward into a new year. Believing that He has sent His angels to retain watch over us, to keep us in all our ways.
Despatched!
Until next time.
Love & Blessings for the new year.
xx
hooked
December 15th, 2021 saw the passing, at age 69, of the author, feminist, and activist, bell hooks.
To say I was saddened is an understatement.
Between the years 1997 and 2001, I was privileged to attend Goldsmiths, University of London. It was there that my real education began. Influencing my world outlook like never before, were lecturers and professors who allowed me to access the world of academia where I learned, really learned about the world; but most importantly, I learned about myself.
Through the recommended reading lists, I was introduced to a writer who subsequently had a seismic impact on my life. Along with many other women around the world, I read ‘Ain’t I A Woman’, and my mindset towards myself, my children, to the world, shifted.
I was hooked on hooks!
Further exploration of her writing, brought me to a book that not only directed my thinking of what was considered beautiful but changed the way I thought and spoke about myself as well as my children. I sought to educate my mother also because at that time she was part of my village: helping with the childcare of my two daughters. Seared into my memory is a conversation I had with her regarding the language that she used when combing my daughters’ hair. Thereafter, she would ever seek to speak positively as she passed the comb through their lustrous locks.
Moreover, Waterstones summarises the book this way on their website.
‘In Sisters of the Yam, bell hooks reflects on the ways in which the emotional health of black women has been and continues to be impacted by sexism and racism. Desiring to create a context where black females could both work on their individual efforts for self-actualization while remaining connected to a larger world of collective struggle, hooks articulates the link between self-recovery and political resistance. Both an expression of the joy of self-healing and the need to be ever vigilant in the struggle for equality, Sisters of the Yam continues to speak to the experience of black womanhood.’
To lose such a thinker and a writer at such a time as this is even more dispiriting.
hooks, who at the start of her writing career chose to use the lower case spelling of her name to differentiate herself from her ancestor who had the same name, stated, ‘The one person who will never leave us, whom we will never lose, is ourself. Learning to love our female selves is where our search for love must begin.’ – Communion: The Search for Female Love, 2002
In a world where there is increasing hostility and indifference, let us not lose our sense of self or love. She stated in Outlaw Culture: Resisting Representations (1994), ‘The moment we choose to love we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others.’
Furthermore, let us love ourselves as we are encouraged to do by our Creator. Scripture reminds us in Mark 12:30-31, ‘And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
In remembering hooks, she may be now at rest after an illness, but we remain. We who remain, let us continue to love ourselves because when we love ourselves, we free ourselves to authentically love others. Love of God, love of self, and love for others. That is the way to live and love in this life.
May we honour bell hooks’ memory by creating a legacy of love.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
What’s the Time?
Across the globe and in the UK, today is White Ribbon Day.
What does that mean? It means Globally, the 25th of November is the UN's International Day for the Elimination of Men's Violence against Women, which is the largest violence against women campaign and kicks off the 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence and runs until 10 December, Human Rights Day.’
According to Women’s Aid. (2021) The Domestic Abuse Report 2022: Early Release. Bristol: Women’s Aid, ‘94.3% of perpetrators were male’, this is stark evidence that violence against women is still appallingly high.
In previous blog posts, I have shared and lamented about atrocities committed against women, therefore, on this day, I could not keep silent.
We have collectively seen in recent months and years an alarming increase in male violence against women. Not just nationally, but internationally as well. From the UK to India. From India to Brazil. From Brazil to Mexico. From Mexico to the USA: to name just a few countries where we have read about some high-profile cases. These cases received national and international exposure. How many cases did not? Certainly in the UK and I am sure elsewhere, during the lockdown and after the easing of restrictions, saw an increase in females accessing the services of Women’s Aid.
‘88% of a sub-sample of service users had experienced emotional abuse and 66.6% had experienced jealous or controlling behaviour.’
Just yesterday, an article by Sky News, reported that there has been a 6% increase in domestic abuse-related crime. Read the whole article here. Sky News Article
As someone who has had the humbling and profound experience of volunteering for a domestic violence charity, I have witnessed firsthand the devastating effect of violence against women. One of the motivating factors for undertaking this voluntary work, to work with women in my local community, was because I too had experienced gender-based violence and abuse in previous relationships.
Abuse includes:
financial
emotional
physical
psychological
sexual
The above can occur between couples as well as between family members.
Wearing a white ribbon today should not be about jumping on a bandwagon because you deem the cause fashionable, current, or trending. Wearing a white ribbon is a physical indicator that you see, seek to know, seek to understand how you can play your part in supporting those who have gone through such horrendous experiences.
Do not turn a blind eye to those who are in need.
Today and not just for today, acquire and wear a white ribbon. Show solidarity with those who have experienced violence at the hand of a male perpetrator.
What is the time?
The time is now. The time is now to end violence against women.
Where to get help?
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
https://galop.org.uk/domesticabuse/
For those of you who have endured such abuse, my heart, thoughts, and prayers are with you. Be encouraged to know that you can leave, you can heal, you can recover, and that you will move on from being a victim to a victor!
The last words of this post will be ones from Scripture and I hope that the promises stated, will become your reality as they became mine as you move on (wherever you are along your path to healing, wholeness, and wellness).
‘Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy.’ Psalms 126:5
John 14: 27 ‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.’
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
Visible, and yet, Invisible
How can you be visible and invisible at the same time?
As a woman of colour, I am very visible. Visible to be exoticised, visible to be criminalised, visible to be marginalised.
What do I mean?
When a man looks you up and down, then down and up - you can almost read their thoughts -”I wonder what it would be like to sleep with her? I wonder if they are as good in bed as I’ve heard?”
When something goes wrong, be it at school, university, work, and the accusatory finger of blame points in the direction of a person of colour.
When, as a woman of colour, you, your thoughts, ideas, suggestions, your work is diminished and reduced to a minuscule contribution. When you are pushed to the side, to the periphery, railroaded into accepting something less than ideal so that those in control, in power can feel comfortable. ‘The lack of racial representation is central to our experience for many of us’, states Ghiluane Khoulani in her book, Living While Black. She continues, ‘…not seeing oneself represented at work is thus a foundational experience for many of us.’
You see, you can be invisible at the same time.
Invisible, when it comes to praise for your efforts, time and contributions. Invisible when it comes to hiring practices. Invisible, when it comes to promotion of you, your talents, your ideas.
When this happens consistently, throughout your lifetime and your career, it can and will take a toll on your mental health. How can you experience mental well-being, when you are constantly made to feel as though you are less than, not valued, or valuable; despite how hard you work? Your lived experience is ever garnered at the expense of someone else’s ego.
I will be forever grateful for the audacious book by Ghiluane Khoulani, ‘Living While Black’ as she lifts the lid unflinchingly, on what it means to live as a person of colour when inhabiting predominantly white spaces: be it in the workplace, in a community, in a nation.
Today is World Mental Health Day. I want each of you who have taken the time to read this blog, to pause, ponder and appreciate the minds that we each have.
Whether you are living invisibly while yet visible; live your truth! I have found that to continually live in denial of who you are, what you are going through, telling about your lived experiences, is tantamount to NOT living.
Staying reticent can lead to mental health concerns. Now, before I continue, I need to state this disclaimer: we all have mental health and there is no, let me repeat, no stigma associated with mental health concerns or illnesses!
Today, and just not for today, do a mental health inventory and see where you are at. Be a means of support for individuals with mental health concerns such as anxiety or depression. Seek support for mental health concerns that you feel you may have.
Let this day be not another day of posts, likes or shares only; let this day be one where you speak your truth authentically, intentionally and passionately! One of the greatest gifts you can give to someone is to give them a listening ear. Be that person for someone, today!
Just yesterday, I spoke to a trusted friend after I had become triggered by something which had happened - once again, made to feel invisible, while yet very visible. After that purging conversation, we both felt ‘heard’ and felt ‘seen.’ Much needed for our mental health and well-being. We spoke our truth, shared our lived experiences and importantly, listened to each other. We also took the time to pray with each other and both felt a calmness afterwards. Faith has its place in this world: we often speak to each other but do not speak to the Creator. Or speak to Him enough.
Wherever you are today, do NOT sit in silence! Speak to someone you trust and take it from there.
Below, are a few websites where you can get help.
Places to Get Help and Support in the UK
https://www.blackmindsmatteruk.com
https://www.rethink.org
If you, like me, need reminding from time to time that we can be brave, courageous and free of fear, may the following quote give you something to not only think about but also to act upon.
“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.” — Amy March, from Little Women
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
Why?
We have reached the last day of the month of September and it ends on a sadly poignant note. Two men: dissimilar in appearance, occupation and geographic location, but both accused, (and in the case of the ex-police officer, convicted and sentenced today to life imprisonment) of killing two young, vibrant women- Sarah Everard and Sabina Nessa.
I along with so many others, including the heartbroken families and friends of these precious lives, are left asking, no, demanding, to know why?
Today, I stand with all the women who have been affected by male perpetrated violence. I also, cry with you and offer heartfelt prayers for your comfort and healing.
Take the time to stand with someone, cry with someone, hug someone, listen to someone, share your story with someone. Each one of us is in need of encouragement. What you may not have received, does not mean that you cannot give that to someone else. If you were not listened to, listen to someone. If nobody dried your tears, dry someone else’s.
Let us swell our voices in unison as we seek answers to why this happened and unfortunately, continues to happen. Let us continue to ask the question; why? Why should this happen to another female?
Let us be persistent in our petitions in whatever sphere we are in. Let us do what we can so that less and less women will be asking the question - why?
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
Ain’t I a Woman?
What is going on? There is a war on women!
What week and a half it has been!
I could not keep silent on this matter. I had to write the anguish which has been corked up in my heart threatening to pop and gush forth like an erupting volcano.
The tragic event in Plymouth,UK, the ongoing situation in Afghanistan, the urgent plight of the women in Mexico, the shocking attack of a female Tik Toker in Pakistan: women, it would appear, are under attack.
A man trying to escape Afghanistan with his wife and family said this in an article published by the Independent newspaper on Thursday 19th August 2021.
“I was with my family, one of the Taliban got angry at something my wife said and started beating her with a stick. I got these injuries trying to protect her. The man was actually trying to reach around me to hit her. They seem to like hitting women,” he said.(My own emphasis added.)
Sadly, unfortunately and tragically, what has been quoted by a family man in Afghanistan, seems to be a refrain the whole world over.
This is not a new phenomenon, however, it seems as though there is more of a concerted attack on women in recent weeks and months. Each day brings yet another story of a woman or women being attacked or killed. Why? Because she is or was a woman.
Chorused together are many voices all expressing their deep concern and urging those that have the power to do what they can to protect women. These voices are speaking their lived truth.
Speaking your truth is never easy, never has been!
Sojourner Truth was an African-American abolitionist and women’s rights activist. She famously said, ‘Truth is powerful and it prevails.’ She spoke her truth and ever since then, women have been asking the same question Truth did in her well-known speech, ‘Ain’t I a woman?’
Ain’t I a woman to be treated with respect, dignity and honour? Ain’t I a woman not to be mistreated, manipulated and maligned? Ain’t I a woman to be cherished, loved and valued?
Ain’t I a woman?
Yes, I am.
I am lending my voice to the many others who are speaking up for those who cannot speak their own words or lift up their own voices. Together, we can be the sound of the shackles unlocking for those who have yet to find their liberty, the encirclement of a warm hug for those who have only experienced the smash of a fist, the day breaking for those who have only seen the darkest night.
I am a woman.
A woman who has asked herself the very same question and is now finding the answers. Continue to journey with me as we seek, knock, ask, for we shall find. Found, will be our true selves, our true womanhood; when we find it, others will have to acknowledge our true selves also and affirm us in what we know to be the truth in our inner beings.
We are women, precious and valuable in His eyes. For God created us, redeemed us; we are worthy and deserving of love, care and respect.
Are you not a woman?
Yes, you are; so speak your truth however you can, wherever you can and do not let the essence of who God created you to be, be extinguished by those who have not accepted that they are loved by God, therefore, they act in hate and indifference.
Speaking you truth is never easy, but then ultimately, neither is keeping silent.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
Unfamiliar Roads
Driving on familiar roads makes you feel comfortable, but also complacent. It is (in the words of M. Scott Peck’s book) The Road Less Travelled, which make you stay alert, observant and on your toes.
Last month, driving home during a two and half hour drive, I noticed that when on unfamiliar roads, streets and dual carriageways, I paid close attention to the Sat Nav directions, to the direction signs and to the roads themselves. However, once I got to the part of the journey which showed recognisable signs and scenery, I relaxed as I knew the way.
This can be a good thing or not so good; depending on the situation you are in.
What is true of the road can also be true in life. When the unfamiliar is presented to us in the form of a new opportunity for example, we often shy away from it. Why? Fear. Fear of failing, perhaps, but also fear of succeeding. We would rather stay in what is familiar, comfortable than take a chance or a risk.
It has been said that your comfort zone is one of the most dangerous places you can be. The reason is that you will coast along and challenge yourself less, hold yourself accountable less, take charge less. In other words, be relaxed. You see, when you are comfortable and content you are inert and stagnant. Within the familiar, you do not strive. You just bumble along, getting by and that is not living: that is merely existing!
The poet, Robert Frost, said it well in his well-known poem, The Road Not Taken. In the final stanza he made a choice and, ‘Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
It was by taking the unfamiliar, that made all the difference. We, too, can have that same experience just by taking the unfamiliar road in our lives, taking a chance, seizing that opportunity irrespective of the emotion of fear that we may experience. As it has been said, '“feel the fear and do it anyway.” sometimes, as Barbara Hall stated, “The path to our destination is not always a straight one. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn't matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.”
Therefore, I encourage you all to take the unfamiliar path in your life. You need not fear when you ask God to show you the way to go. What is unfamiliar to you, is familiar to God. Have faith, step out and walk on those unfamiliar roads. Keep a prayer in your heart as you go on your way and may you, like King David, say, ‘You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalms 16:11
We will never know what pleasures are in store for us unless we step out and walk on those unfamiliar roads.
Let’s go!
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
To Heal, You Have To Expose
Have you ever had a cut and you put a plaster on it?
I am sure you have. However, the advice given is when you have a cut, you first clean the cut/wound, allow it to get some air then put a plaster on it. Should you put a plaster on the cut without first exposing it to the air, the cut/wound takes longer to heal.
This practice can be transferred to emotional wounds that we may have.
Should we not first clean the cut/wound and straightaway apply the dressing, then the wound will fester with its pollutants and may scab over, but will do so with contaminants inside. Those contaminants will impact those who you come into contact with as they often manifest themselves as, for example, anger, bitterness, jealousy, envy, low self-esteem, to name a few.
Should you clean the cut/wound, but not let to be exposed to the air, you may find yourself heaving around a sack of shame as you have not told your truth to anybody. Thus, you have forgone the accountability, the support and encouragement of others who could be your cheerleaders, but you only see them as your condemners. Bitterness blinds.
However, should you clean the wound with salty tears, letting the Word wash the wound clean, presenting ponderous prayers from a sincere heart, then having the courage, you speak your truth, share your story, (to a trusted source e.g. a counsellor, support group, trusted friend) the exposing of the wound will hasten its healing.
Don’t sit with a contaminated wound. Don’t sit in silence or shame. Neither, with a cut/wound that has only been covered, plastered over without being exposed to the air. If you do so, it will come back to bite you.
Instead, clean the cut/wound, expose it, then put a suitable dressing on it: plaster it with prayer and self-compassion.
Who knows; your deepest cuts/wounds can become your greatest victories.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
Don’t Try to Fill Someone Else’s Shoes; Walk in Your Own
The title above was some advice given to a temporary colleague who had taken over some work from a previous beloved colleague and felt as though they could not measure up. In that moment I responded with, “Don’t try to fill someone else’s shoes; walk in your own.” The saying, invented in that moment, caused us both to pause and ponder the profoundness of the quote as we realised that this saying was not just true for this particular situation, but for life itself.
Oftentimes, throughout our lives, we may be placed in a position where we have replaced someone else. Examples of differing situations could be: a new relationship, friendship group, a new job, a new member of a team amongst others. The outgoing person could have been very popular, well-liked, well-loved, and you, coming in, focus only on what the other person did. Their contributions were noteworthy therefore, you hear, ” what are we going to do now that they have gone? ” Also, “we miss them sooooo much!” Sound familiar?
We then feel inadequate, as though what we will bring to the table certainly won’t measure up, won’t be acknowledged, appreciated or valued. We are too scared to even try; to do our best in the place and position we now fill.
There is a saying that has had a impact on my life and it goes like this: ‘God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.’ This means that what God has called you to be, what He has called you, and only you to do, He, the Almighty One, the Great I Am, will give you strength and wisdom to accomplish your task, perform your role. The reason? To give Him glory.
Therefore, focus less on what the last person did and how well they did it and focus solely on what it is that you have to do. God has put you in that position and place for a reason, so look upward, ask for courage and strength so that you can walk in your own shoes.
Remember, the other person could well have different size feet to your own so trying to fill their shoes will make for an uncomfortable experience for you. Walk in your own shoes, thus ensuring that whatever you do encounter along the way, you are more readily able to deal with it; with God’s help.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day!
Today is Narcissistic Abuse Away Day!
Yes, you read correctly; all you brave and lovely survivors of narcissistic abuse, this is your day!
Your day to be seen. Your day to be heard. Your day to be remembered. Your day to be honoured.
It is no coincidence that on this day that the cause of death of Sarah Everard was publicised in the news: ‘compression to the neck’. It is also no coincidence that a study conducted by Ohio State University and originally published in the journal Psychological Bulletin’ on May 24 2021 and later on ‘SciTech Daily 30/5/21’, dealt with the link between narcissism and aggression.
These are two different and distinct publicised news items, but what they both have in common is information about that we are inhabiting a world in which another person’s self is not valued. Not esteemed. Not deemed of sufficient worth to bring no harm to bear on the other.
‘The study was led by Sophie Kjærvik, a graduate student in communication at Ohio State.’ It found that, “It is a pretty straightforward message: Narcissism is a significant risk factor for aggressive and violent behavior across the board,” said Brad Bushman, co-author of the study and professor of communication at The Ohio State University. Also, “The link we found between narcissism and aggression was significant – it was not trivial in size,” Kjærvik said. “The findings have important real-world implications.”’
“Real-world implications”, concluded Kjaervik: stark, real and very telling. We are living in a world where narcissistic behaviour and tendencies are sadly, becoming more normalised. This behaviour should not be accepted, tolerated neither condoned. It is a serious personality disorder at the highest end of the spectrum and at the lowest, we need to be mindful that we all have narcissistic traits to a certain extent and it behooves each one of us to undergo self-examinination and to address these traits; seeking to minimise and even eradicate such traits. We each need to look at ourselves honestly in the mirror and confront what is there.
We must educate ourselves and live the truth that we discover, not only so that we can live abundant lives, but so that we can be of service to others in our lives. Wherever we are, we can live so that others are positively impacted by our presence, not negatively.
Until next time
Love & Blessings
To see the full SciTech narcissism and aggression article, click here.
The Talk
Please note: first written and published 13/3/21
I cannot sleep. Thoughts pound through my head like the rhythmic talking drums of Africa. The repeated refrain sounds again and again through my mind disturbing any attempts of rest I am trying to have. Perturbed and disturbed, a ceaseless carousel of questions ricochet through and around my head when spontaneously they find an outlet as a torrent of tears stream from eyes that has seen too much. I try to staunch the flow, but they are insistent. No amount of tissues can hold them back as they gush forth and sodden the flimsy paper handkerchiefs, rendering them useless. Significantly, the same question reverberates in my head: what right does a man have to destroy a woman’s life, even take it? Why is this question running round my mind like an ever-looping tape and depriving me of sleep? I cannot get her face neither her name off of my mind. Who? Sarah Everard.
Like me, I am sure that the unfolding tragic story of Sarah Everard, has gripped you as well, as all week long we have become invested in knowing what had happened to this 33-year-old marketing executive; described by her family as ‘“bright and beautiful”’ and ‘“kind and strong”’, as she walked home from a friend ‘s house last Wednesday (3rd March) night. A week later, the nation is informed that her body has been found, a man has been arrested and charged with her kidnap and murder. I did not know her, but my heart is in pain. If I, a total stranger to Sarah Everard, feels like this, I cannot begin to imagine what her family, boyfriend, friends and colleagues are going through.
Once again, the safety of women is thrust into the glaring and harsh spotlight and this time, it would appear, that the collective heart of the nation has beaten in sympathetic unison as it seeks answers – wanting to know, how this happened? Why did it happen? What could have been done to prevent this happening? What makes this case all the more shocking is that the man arrested, charged with her kidnap and murder is a serving Metropolitan police officer: his job was meant to serve and protect!
In this country (UK), we work on the basis of innocent until proven guilty, however, enough evidence must have been found to charge this man of this heinous crime. Therefore, that means that a man who should have been protecting, instead preyed on an innocent woman and decided that her life should be terminated for his own pleasure. God have mercy!
As I tossed and turned on my bed, sleep evading me; my mind, restless, started wandering back through the annals to a time when I had to give one of those ‘talks’.
As a woman of colour living in the UK, I have had to give ‘the talk’ on different subjects to my daughters as they were growing up: the ‘talk’ on working 10 times as hard as a young black girl so that they can achieve and do well in this country and in life. Another of those ‘talks’ was to do with keeping personally safe as they travelled around – from school to home, church to home, a friend’s house to home, as they got older, abroad to home, in fact, anywhere to home! “At night, walk in the middle of the road, hold your keys in a fist, if attacked, shout ‘fire!’ not ‘rape’ as the chance of someone coming to your aid is higher, go in pairs, call and let me know you are okay” were all instructions I gave to my daughters as they were growing up. Still do. Why? My experiences have taught me that -as a female – it doesn’t matter what age you are, you can be in danger when out alone, especially at night. A topic close to my heart, I even studied it when completing my Masters: I wrote a paper on what it is and how it feels to navigate the city’s streets when out at night. Academically, or personally, I know this to be true (the dangers).
Reflecting on the past week, each day brought a fresh revelation in Sarah’s case and fresh recollections to my mind. Transported back to a time that I would rather not revisit, memories came crashing back like a tsunami wave; engulfing me. A robbed and shattered hymen, a dislocated jaw, belittled, gaslighted, manipulated and controlled are all experiences I have had in so called ‘relationships’ with men. Over the course of my lifetime thus far, I have sadly experienced the evilness of some men and their misogynistic ways. My life’s experience is not unique; unfortunately.
During the lockdown periods, the rates of domestic violence has rocketed. Women are at serious risk and though there is much talk and debate as to what can be done to help; there is little actual action and precious little money put towards supporting women who are at risk. There has been some progress, but there is so much more that can be done.
As I reflect on Sarah Everard and the innumerable other women who have fallen victim to the depravity and wickedness of men’s minds, I cannot help but to feel incredibly saddened to see the Creator’s plan for mankind so far removed from the ideal of God’s standard. When God created mankind, the man was meant to look out for and provide for the woman. The eroding and corrupting nature of sin has brought so much misery in its wake that men are brutal rather than benevolent, patriarchal rather than protecting, misogynistic rather than mindful.
I can only imagine that the heart of God is broken as He sees what has become of His creation, but thank God that He has not removed Himself from us but is ever near to comfort us and to surround us with His presence, especially during these trying times. As a comfort, the precious words of Scripture comes to mind – the twenty-third chapter of Psalms.
A PSALM OF DAVID.
23 The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
I hope you will join with me as I lift up in prayer all those who knew Sarah and whose hearts are aching at this very sad and traumatic time. I also lift up all women who have experienced any form of abuse.
Refuse to be silenced, speak up and get help. There are practical steps you can take; you can start your journey of recovery by clicking on the links below for information on how to keep safe and what to do, should you or someone you know find themselves in an abusive situation.
https://apple.news/AbclVpKwoT8GYrzTm5kEjCg
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk
Stay safe.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
When the Door is Open, Walk Through it
Opportunities will come and when they do, grab the opportunity with both hands and go for it!
Why do I say this so emphatically? Many times through fear – fear of failure, self-doubt, unpreparedness, laziness, procrastination, myopia, and other reasons, sometimes, first, we do not even recognise that it is opportunity and second, should we see it for what it is, we are too scared to seize the opportunity and go for it.
I am learning that when a door is open, to walk through it. The same way that a door can swing open, it can swing shut also! You do not want to go through life with, “If only…” “I wish I had…” “If I knew then, what I know now” spoken from a bitter, unfulfilled tongue. You want the opposite.
Your life should be and could be a continual carousel of experiences where you see the wonders of God’s Hand as He and only He, opens doors of opportunity. In Revelation 3:8, God Himself states, “I know your works. See, I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it; for you have a little strength, have kept My word, and have not denied My name.”
If you need strength and courage, all you have to is ask. Isaiah 40:29 encourages you with this promise. ‘He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength.’ Joshua 1:9 admonishes us to, ‘”Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”’
Go ahead! When that next opportunity comes your way, pray about it, seek God’s guidance, take courage, be strong, and when God says move, you move!
Walk through that open door!
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
It’s Your Decision
When does your pain end and healing begin? It’s up to you. Only you can decide when enough is really enough!
My journey took an interesting turn when I decided to undertake a women’s development course; it was wonderful, enlightening and liberating.
The real beginning of my healing journey started when I was asked to complete an assignment. “In your own creative way, show what you have learnt and what you will take away from the five-session course”, the facilitator instructed us that late May Sunday afternoon.
What follows is my awakening to what God is seeking to do in my life.
Development: what does that mean?
“Growth, change, process, progress…”
I whisper from behind the mask
that screens
me; the girl – emerging from the mess
with a message – on the transparent, authentic lips of a woman.
Girl has gone! Transforming woman in her place.
Why?
She beheld her Father’s face:
The tenderest expression of love as like a tender, loving parent.
Love Me,
Love yourself,
Love others.
Look to Me and I will give you favour.
Trust in Me with all your heart and I will ever set you apart
For service; for you are my daughter
Whoever you are and who I’ve purposed you to be
Ever remember, first and foremost;
that is your identity.
“Run your race, run strong until the end”
Though you may have to stop and rest awhile
Your faithful Father will be as near as a friend.
Walk the walk, live the life.
Pay no heed to the worry or strife.”
“Go forward, go forward; at your side, my Son
and with faithful, patient endurance – you WILL hear
Well done!”
©Diane Lee
I’m on my way!
How about you?
Until next time .
Love & blessings
Where do I begin? At the end…of myself.
The unforgettable stories have never been written, never been told and therefore never been heard.
Like you, I too thought that I would never get around to sharing my story, but here I am; finally, sharing mystory. No, it is not a typo.
I hope that as we journey together that my voice will be joined by the countless others who are courageous enough to share their life experiences. Someone once said, ” we are each an individual drop but together we are an ocean.” Let the ocean swell (drop by drop) to a mighty roar as our collective words drown out the painful and traumatic life experiences which have caused so much hurt, heartache and destruction. Let us leave behind a gentle ripple of peace to which others can be comforted, helped and healed!
Love & Blessings